


Compulsion

by AngelQueen



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Future, Angst, F/M, Infidelity, M/M, Reincarnation, Remix
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-26
Updated: 2011-07-26
Packaged: 2017-10-21 18:36:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/228351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelQueen/pseuds/AngelQueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>More than once, Gwen has wondered over the issue of addiction.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Compulsion

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free](https://archiveofourown.org/works/81554) by [vampiric_mcd](https://archiveofourown.org/users/vampiric_mcd/pseuds/vampiric_mcd). 



> I'd recommend reading that story first.
> 
> Disclaimer: _Merlin_ is the property of the BBC and Shine. I make no claim on it and write this purely for my own entertainment and the entertainment of others. No copyright infringement intended.

More than once, Gwen has wondered over the issue of addiction. In some of her more recent lives, it has been a significant part of her life. In one life, her father is an alcoholic, unable to let go of the spirits that drive away the other, more ethereal spirits that haunt him after the Great War. In another, she works in a nurse in a hospital and repeatedly sees patients brought in, suffering from overdoses on the drug of their choice. In every lifetime, she struggles to understand it, to comprehend why these people cling so tightly to something that has a very good chance at killing them. Perhaps, she’d once thought, it was akin to being on the back of a runaway horse and fearing to jump off?

Of course, in the moments that Gwen is honest with herself – surprisingly rare, to her own shame – she admits that perhaps she is just as much an addict as her father in that one lifetime and all those patients in the other. Oh, she isn’t addicted to drugs or alcohol, thank goodness. She’s spared herself _that_ much, at least. No, in those rare moments, she admits to herself that her addiction is Arthur. Or rather, a _relationship_ with Arthur.

It happens in lifetime after lifetime, the two of them. Only when they’ve gotten each other out of their system, are they able to move on with the true loves of their lives - in his case, Merlin; in hers, Lancelot or Morgana (or in some cases, both). In one lifetime, when she is called Joan, the ‘Fair Maid of Kent’, and Lancelot is Edward, called the ‘Black Prince’. She and Lancelot love each other from childhood, only she marries Arthur instead, in secret. Then everything is infinitely more complicated when her family forces her to marry someone else, someone of higher station, and she goes through with it, despite her already being wed. When the entire scandal comes out, she is eventually able to return to Arthur, though the shine has long worn off for both of them. It isn’t until Arthur dies, leaving her a widow with four young children, that Gwen finally returns her attention to Lancelot and marries him, even over the objections of his parents, Edward III and Queen Philippa.

In another lifetime, during the reign of Victoria, Arthur is an earl, Gwen the daughter of another earl, Morgana (born a man in this life) a baron, and Merlin a girl born in the lower echelons of the nobility. Gwen and Arthur mesmerize high society for several years (even the Queen follows their exploits, according to rumor) with their antics, making the gossip buzz – _are they lovers or not? will they marry or not?_ It isn’t until Merlin nearly dies of scarlet fever that Arthur is shaken out of their games and devotes to Merlin the attention that she deserves. Gwen accepts the change with good grace, since both she and Arthur had never had any intention of marrying each other and had only wished to tweak society’s collective noses. She goes on to marry Morgana, who had waited for her with uncommon patience.

Looking back on those lifetimes and all the others, Gwen can admit to herself that her and Arthur’s relationships are generally destructive, both to themselves and those around them, but such admittance never stops her from engaging in them anyway.

They grow more and more reckless in their behavior after each time. It isn’t until now, this lifetime, that Gwen finally gets a jolt of adrenaline that isn’t so welcome.

Arthur’s the vice-president of an enormous airline company, all set to inherit the entire business from his father one day, and married to Merlin openly – a joy that neither of them had known before when they were both born as men. Gwen is a politician in her own right – set to perhaps one day hold a position in the Cabinet, if she plays her cards right – and the wife of another, Lancelot. They meet first over the negotiating table during an airline strike, and it only takes a few moments for them to recognize each other. Past acquaintances, sometimes spouses, almost always lovers in one sense or another. When the negotiations begin, it’s almost like they’re back in Camelot again, the two of them bargaining playfully with one another to get what they want. The talks end in a rapid success that no one could have predicted.

After that, the four of them begin to meet together frequently, sharing meals, talking, laughing together. Many of the others quickly join them. Morgana and Morgause – both of them Arthur’s full-blooded siblings this time around, and neither of them out to kill him, just to torment him, as sisters do – Gwaine, Leon, Elena, Elyan - this time he’s Gwen’s cousin, not her brother, but they’re still quite close – Percival, and many others. Uther even occasionally joins them, far kinder and quieter, having learned his own lessons over the many lifetimes he’s endured. It really does feel almost like Camelot, only better. This time no one in the group is out to kill the others. They’re all friends, as it should have been the first time around.

Of course, Gwen forgets until it is too late that the most golden of situations are also the most fragile, as Camelot proved.

She and Arthur’s affair begins over drinks. Lancelot is in York, and Merlin is in Berlin for a conference. She and Arthur meet at a new bar, the only two able to make it because everyone else is working or already has plans. There is something different in the air. They’ve always flirted – it’s how they ended the airline strike. It’s as natural to them as breathing, and something their husbands have learned to tolerate. This time, though, it’s different. There’s a spark, a flame, something that’s been stifled when their spouses are sitting at a table with them. Smiles become more intimate, more knowing. Hands and fingers brush and slide.

Looking back at it now, Gwen would like to say that they were drunk, but they weren’t. They had two drinks at most between them before they’d left.

They don’t get a hotel room. Gwen’s face is far too well-known for something like that, and there’s always someone from the press hanging out near the higher-end establishments. Instead, they use their own homes, such as Arthur’s flat that he uses when he needs to stay close to work, the one that he’s had since he turned eighteen. There’s no sign of Merlin in this place, it’s purely Arthur. They also use Gwen and Lancelot’s house, which is in a gated community, specifically designed to keep the paparazzi out.

It doesn’t even occur that she should feel guilty that she and Arthur fuck in her and Lancelot’s bed.

They sneak around for months. Gwen’s used to being discrete and avoiding the press when she needs to, but Arthur does it with a finesse that amazes her. She never asks, but she gets the feeling that he’s done this before, and is well used to it.

How they keep everything under wraps for so long, she doesn’t entirely know. There is only one slip-up, when Gwen accidentally leaves one of her earrings in the parlor of the Penn family’s country house. Arthur returns it to her.

“Merlin found it,” he says. “Father claimed it was his, though. He covered for us.” There is some nervousness in his voice over such a close call, but Gwen doesn’t care that Merlin almost discovered their secret. She just smiles and pulls Arthur down onto the bed, peppering his bare chest with kisses and love-nips.

She’s enjoying herself far too much to worry about a few clouds on the horizon.

* * *

Myth, history, and legend remember Gwen’s relationship with Lancelot as being solely responsible for Camelot’s downfall. Gwen blames a bunch of sanctimonious monks in the Middle Ages for that, men who are all too willing to blame everything bad in the world on the so-called frailty of women. She knows better. Camelot fell because of the lies and sins committed by every last one of them – Morgana being driven mad from loneliness, terror, and Merlin’s poisoning her, Mordred’s obsession with destroying anything Merlin cared about, Merlin’s inability to let go of the secrets he is trained for so long to keep, Arthur’s ability to blind himself to things he doesn’t want to see, and yes, her and Lancelot’s feelings for one another, left unresolved for so many years until they finally burst.

All of that, but the only reason that everything came tumbling down was the loss of Merlin. The story of how he is trapped in a tree by his lover has a small ring of truth to it. Morgause gives her life to complete the task of encasing Merlin in that twisted monstrosity, even if she isn’t remembered for it. Without Merlin to guard everyone else against their flaws and his own, it’s only a matter of time before the cracks in Camelot’s white, pristine exterior are exploited.

It isn’t an isolated event. In every lifetime where any of them come together, if Merlin should be lost, then inevitably, they all lose everything as well. In the lifetime where Gwen is Joan of Kent, her life is defined by loss, beginning with the execution of her father as a little girl – who is, underneath the name he bears in that life, Merlin. After his murder (at the instigation of Morgana and Morgause no less, who are Isabella the She-Wolf and her lover, Roger Mortimer, in this life), Gwen’s life is one loss after another – Arthur, Lancelot, her and Lancelot’s eldest boy, the solemn, brilliant child who would have been an excellent king, had he lived. Gwen even thinks that if Merlin _had_ died of the scarlet fever during the rule of Victoria, then they all would have crumbled. They are spared that, thankfully.

Merlin is the linchpin, the binding that holds them together, whatever his own failings. Without him, they are dust in the wind.

One would think that Gwen has learned this lesson after having had it repeated to her so many times, but alas, no. So when she and Arthur are discovered, it’s a huge, huge shock.

It all happens so quickly. She and Arthur have a week to themselves, with Lancelot in Wales and Merlin in Paris. Since Uther is also out of town – something about business in Rome or Venice, she can’t remember which – they decide to enjoy themselves at the family house.

The bed sheets are amazing against Gwen’s bare skin, and she makes a note to ask Arthur where he got them, so that she can get a set of her own. When they’re lying in bed – _Merlin and Arthur’s_ bed, she thinks later – nuzzling and laughing, Gwen thinks that this must be heaven.

Then Arthur’s phone rings, bringing the world back into their little haven.

Irritation sweeps through Gwen. She knows that Arthur has arranged everything with the company so that they won’t be disturbed, so who could possibly be calling?

Arthur shares her annoyance. After answering it, he snaps, “This better be good. I informed you I wasn’t to be distracted this week.”

Gwen stretches languidly, caressing Arthur’s bare chest. Hopefully this call won’t call Arthur back to work, she thinks. They’ve so been looking forward to this time together –

Two things happen very quickly here, one after another, that bring Gwen out of her pleasant, warm haze. First, Arthur snaps his cell shut, but he doesn’t return his attention to her. Second, a voice resounds throughout the room, a voice that isn’t hers or Arthur.

“That wasn’t very nice.”

It’s embarrassing, but Gwen squeals like a frightened animal, diving for the sheets to shield her naked body. It isn’t until she’s covered at least semi-modestly that it truly hits her. She _knows_ that voice.

Merlin.

Gwen’s secret world has just been invaded by one of two people who should never have found out about it.

She can’t see him, but she’s quickly able to pinpoint where he’s at – in the little area of the room that shielded from the rest by tasteful, beautiful blue curtains. No, wait, she _can_ see him. The curtains aren’t completely opaque. She can just make out the outline of his tall, thin figure.

“Merlin…” Arthur’s voice is nothing more than a croak, and Gwen flinches at the sound and at the name being spoken out loud. They’ve both almost always avoided talking about their respective spouses whenever they’re together like this. As if they could pretend that neither of them is married, bound to anyone but each other.

“Goodbye, Arthur.”

Time has slowed in the past few moments, almost to a crawl, but now it’s speeding back up again, almost like a movie being fast-forwarded through. Arthur’s suddenly shoving her away from him, struggling to get up, to reach Merlin. She is nothing to him now, nothing in the face of two tersely spoken words. She knows he’s much too slow, though, because she can smell rain in the air. Rain and trees, the scent of Merlin’s magic.

Gwen doesn’t even know that Merlin still _has_ magic, in this modern era they live in.

Just as it always has before, their world comes crashing down after Merlin vanishes from their lives. Suddenly, _everyone_ knows about her and Arthur. The paparazzi are camped out at the gate of the Penn estate, and Uther, Morgana, Morgause, and all those closest to both of them are pouring into the house. How they all get back from their respective trips so quickly is a mystery to her.

Uther is pale and quiet, but his eyes glitter with a hint of the rage that once so characterized the King of Camelot. Morgana’s disgust with them is palpable, and she unleashes her sharp tongue on Arthur and Gwen in equal measures. It isn’t until Morgana’s eyes begin to glow that Morgause steps in, pulling her sister back lest she actually attack them.

Gwaine, who is actually Morgana’s lover in this lifetime, keeps staring at Gwen, as though he can’t believe that she’s the woman he once affectionately called ‘Princess Gwen’. She doesn’t feel very royal right now.

As horrible as it is to face their accusing, angry looks, all of it is nothing compared to Lancelot. He came with Percival, but has yet to say a word, his eyes firmly on the floor. He won’t look at her. He’s never refused to look at her before, even when she was a queen and wife to another man.

“Lancelot,” Gwen whispers, something inside of her beginning to quake and tremble. All of it means nothing to her now – the rage and loathing of her friends, Arthur’s ignoring her, the fact that her career as a politician is most certainly over. All she wants right now is for her husband, the man she’s betrayed dozens of times over in this one lifetime _alone_ , to look at her.

After an unending moment, his dark eyes meet hers. Her breath catches in her throat, the pain there is so terrible. The meeting of eyes lasts only a second, and he looks away again, his fingers fiddling with the ring on his left hand.

The ring he is _removing_ –

It’s all Gwen can do to keep herself from screaming again as Lancelot takes her hand in his gently and presses the ring into her shaking palm.

“Goodbye, Guinevere.”

He nods to Uther and the sisters, and stares at Arthur. “You have won her again, Sire,” Lancelot says. The bitterness, the weariness, and everything else in his voice are too much to process, and Gwen doesn’t get a chance to respond. Turning on his heel, Lancelot walks away. Percival follows, probably intending to drive him home.

In this life, Gwen only sees Lancelot three more times. The first, when she races home in her car just minutes after his departure. He’s already in their bedroom, packing a suitcase. She’s hysterical at this point, grabbing onto his shirtsleeves and begging him not to go, that they can work this out, that she’s so, so _sorry_ , but he just takes her by the shoulders and carefully puts some distance between them. “It’s over, Gwen,” is all he says to her. He takes the suitcase, and leaves.

The other two times are in their highly publicized divorce proceedings, and Gwen can’t get anywhere near him. In both instances, Lancelot has his barrister glued to his side. His barrister, who happens to be _Gaius_ , of all people. His condemning expression is just as frightening as the remembered anger in Uther’s.

Once the divorce is finalized, Lancelot moves on. He gets himself a flat – she doesn’t know where – and throws himself into his work. Public sympathy for him is high, and it looks like that any position he wants, he’ll probably get based off of the people’s emotions alone. Gwen knows he won’t settle for that, however. He’ll work ten times as hard for the position, if only to prove to himself that he’s worthy of it.

Gwen’s life is in shambles. She and Arthur don’t go near each other, and he has his own problems. She never hears anything official, but there are rumors of Uther disinheriting him, or at the very least leaving control of the company to Morgana and Morgause, instead of Arthur. Nothing is ever stated about it outside of those rumors, however, but it’s hardly in her to care. Gwen’s own career is also shot to hell. The people aren’t likely to vote for a woman publicly exposed as an adulteress. Her husband has left her. Her friends are barely speaking to her. She has nothing left.

She never sees Merlin again.

Gwen remembers in a previous life that a counselor at the hospital she worked at said something about the overdosing patients that were always brought in. The counselor wasn’t anyone Gwen knew from another life, just a normal, everyday person, but it’s only now that Gwen remembers her words.

 _“Sometimes a person has to hit rock bottom before they can realize that they need to change.”_


End file.
